Depressed

This is not going to be fun. There won’t be any fun pictures of naked people. Probably won’t be any pictures at all. Well, shit.

I’m depressed. It’s a weird time to be depressed. Not weird in the sense that it’s unique or unusual. No, it’s weird because it’s not at all unique or unusual. It would seem that EVERYBODY is depressed now. And perhaps for good reason. So much of life has been upended, ripped apart, taken away by the Covid pandemic. Add to that the social unrest, and life as we know it is teetering on the edge of major change. Being scared or anxious or depressed would seem to make a lot of sense right now.

It’s a weird time to be depressed because for the first time in my life I’m not at all afraid to share that I’m depressed, because people are so much more accepting and understanding of it.

But, goddamn it, that has also been incredibly frustrating, because these people who have been so accepting and understanding also minimize it. It’s the times they say. It would be weird to not be depressed they say. Whenever this (whatever this is) changes, how you feel will change, they say.

I have felt like this for a long, long time though. The only difference for me is there are no consistent distractions from it. My depression just sits there next to me at all times, never leaving, maybe napping for a bit here and there, but always waking up and saying, “hey, I must’ve fallen asleep, but I’m here now, pay attention to me, I’m coming with you from now on.”

I am losing at life. You can see it objectively. I’m here for this one life, for an unknown period of time, and that time is running out, and I’m spending it not being happy, not knowing how to properly live my life.

It’s time to figure this shit out.

The Buddha said (and I’m paraphrasing, probably poorly) to never take his word on anything, to test his theories out for one’s self, to experiment, to try things on your own. Gandhi lived his life that way. He entitled his autobiography An Autobiography: The story of my experiments with truth. That’s what I want to do, create my own experiment on how to live, find out exactly what works and what doesn’t, and stop doing the stupid shit that simply doesn’t work for me.

(Editor’s Note: This post was started weeks ago, picked up, dropped again, and picked up again. I’m back to finish it entirely to move past it. A note about the editor’s note. I am the editor.)

Since the new fiscal year I have been trying to overcome my depression. Like Gandhi, experimenting, trying to find what works. First, working out. I would love to look good naked, but the problem with that as a motivation is when you don’t yet look good naked you can end up frustrated. So, a different motivation: my mood. There is no known mood booster that is as consistently effective for me as working out. I am trying to keep that in mind. More on that and more on my experiments.

The other night I rewatched Ghost Dog for… oh… the thousandth time. Ghost Dog has a code, a way, that guides his actions. He never needs to question what to do or his approach, because it’s all laid out for him. He follows the way of the samurai from the book Hagakure.

And this is what I have always missed. I don’t believe in God (a subject for another time). I don’t believe in an after life. I don’t believe in anything really. Yet, I’m also deathly afraid of death, so here I am, with this one opportunity at life but seeing no point in it. My depression is often a result of simply not knowing what to do. Not having a Way.

So, I will create my own Way. The Way of Justin (I don’t like using the Tao of Justin here, as that as a title has been both played out and as a result now connotates not “The Way” exactly but more “an explanation of.”

This got a bit disjointed. That’s what happens when you start and stop so much. Apologies.

But here’s the major point: I want to explore the different tenants of My Way in this space. I want to take a bullet point or an idea or a quote that speaks to me and explore it. In this way I am both sharing my ideas, but also work-booking my ideas to see what truly speaks to me, what holds up to scrutiny and should end up in my code of conduct, my system of beliefs, MY WAY.

Enough. Enough.

Why not end with something fun?