My girlfriend at the time was just beginning her nursing career. We were both 23. She was Filipina, of course, although she was actually the only nurse in her immediate family. Take that, stereotypes.
We were driving back to my house so she could get her car and head home. She lived with her family, and while she would stay the night with me regularly, she still tried to put as much time in at home as possible. When the phone rang and I saw it was my mom, I answered and continued driving. But less than a minute later I had pulled over, turned the car off, and Geri knew something was wrong. I could feel her looking at me, imploring me with her eyes to tell her what was wrong. Instead I just listened as my mom told me she had been diagnosed with cancer.
The details of what she and I both said are lost to me now, but I know I must’ve said something to give Geri some idea of what was going on. She slid closer to me, put her hand on the back of my head and began running her nails against my scalp. She ran them along my neck, along my shoulders, my upper back as I leaned forward with my head against the steering wheel.
When I hung up, I crashed back against the seat. Geri continued to trace her fingers all over, put her head on my shoulder, told me how sorry she was. I was stunned, devastated, scared. But I also could feel Geri’s love, her kindness, the empathy that made her a good nurse. She made me feel like there was nothing but space for what I was feeling and that it was okay to just feel it all. She was letting me know that I didn’t have to think about her for a while. She kissed my neck, whispered that she loved me so much and that she knew I was scared. She told me it would be okay. She kept saying, it’ll be okay baby.
She kissed my neck again, and I let out what I’m sure can only be described as a whimper. She kissed my neck again, her hand around the other side of my face pulling me towards her mouth. When she licked my earlobe I burst into tears. She whispered over and over, it’s okay baby, it’s okay baby. I felt her hand on my chest as it heaved with the tears and the hiccupping.
I know you feel bad, baby. I just want you to feel better. And I felt her hand run down the front of my shirt to my jeans, and she rubbed me, finding me and feeling me, then caressing me. Involuntarily I got hard. “Baby,” I said. Shhhh, she whispered, I just want to take care of you, let me take care of you.
When she pulled me from my pants and put me in her mouth I let out a sob. The tears made me bounce inside her mouth, but she held on firmly with her hand as she slid me in and out of her mouth.
At some point my tears stopped, and I felt my head swimming, as if I didn’t have enough oxygen going to my brain. It felt like I had entered another state of existence. The whole world had disappeared as her head went up and down, her hand began sliding up and down my shaft at the same time, the wetness spreading, sliding down between my legs to the seat of the car. My head was pressed back hard against the head rest.
When I felt about to lost myself, I screamed out and exploded in her mouth. I couldn’t stop shaking, but she kept her mouth on me, kept her hand firmly on me, and it felt like her not letting go was the only thing keeping me from falling apart completely.
When Geri lifted her head from my lap, she pulled my face close to hers, our noses touching, her eyes starting deep into my eyes until I fully focused back on her. I love you, she told me, and I want to do anything I can to take care of you. When she kissed me I could feel her lips wet and salty and a little sour as I tasted myself. I felt drained. She had given me the gift of turning off my mind and only feeling the physicality of being alive, the pure emotions of both the two moments simultaneously, without thought or anxiety or fear, my tears and semen draining from me all at once, leaving me empty and pure.
Sex And Depression 